I’ve always been a big believer in the power of the love and the moon, and the goodness of humankind. The order of the three of these tends to shift around, depending on what’s going on in life or in my heart at the time.
For those of you who are astrology followers, you understand we are currently immersed in a time and space when connecting and sharing from the heart are good for the soul. Communication and sensitivity are shining brightly like the North Star, and you might find yourself feeling all the feels lately. I know I sure am.
Many moms say it’s tough when their kids leave home. That happened years ago for me, so you would think I would be immune to the emotions this week as my son packs up his apartment in California, preparing to move back East. Understandably, he’s been getting a little annoyed with my calls every 48 hours - asking how things are going, what does he need, how can I help - much like I used to do when he was late getting to his Jr. High English projects the night before they were due.
Things really shouldn’t be any different with this move since he already left “home” years ago - almost as if to give me a taste of my own medicine. At 19 he packed up a U-Haul truck and drove away from the house waving his arm out the open window as if he were in a parade, exactly like I did to my mom when I was 19. This was much more than the final wave “good-bye,” to home,
it was poetic justice.
As I sit here looking in my rearview mirror there are so many unfulfilled expectations over the years. There was the fantasy of extended weekend beach visits and maybe popping over for a quick dinner on a one-hour flight. Eventually, my thoughts of having him here for every holiday quickly diminished as life got in the way. “Maybe next time,” became our mantra and it wasn’t long before I felt like I was living out the lyrics of “Cats in the Cradle.”
As it turns out, this move is much harder than anticipated … for me, anyway. We met for dinner this week and it was just a nice, sweet time. Ross was wearing his “new” glasses, with the John Lennon frames. They were his dad’s old frames he wore the year before he knocked on heaven’s door. I swear he looked so damned much like his dad it almost hurt.
Yes, this move is really testing the weight of my mama heart strings. I’ve always wondered about the saying “Don’t let your heart rule your head.” But why not? Why wouldn’t I want my heart to rule and to feel all that there is to feel? This is no time for logic or pragmatism. This is a time to feel whatever I want – pride, nostalgia, regret, pain, grief, and above all joy – so much joy for what he so richly deserves.
This dream has been a long time coming. It was 11 years ago that his dad and I were taking a walk in California of all places. He was busy chatting about how regretful he was that he didn’t follow his dreams. He made it a point to say he wanted his son to do that - to do what he didn’t get to do. And so, 11 years later this east coast move is just another step in his journey and only Ross knows where his path leads.
When I left dinner the other night, I managed a rare two hugs before he walked away to fetch his car from the lot across the street. As I stood on the sidewalk alone with my thoughts it started to rain big heavy drops, the ones I used to tell the kids were tears from heaven. I thought about how I wished I had done this a lot more, and how I had let seizing the day get away from me, like the last warm days of summer.
The honk of a horn brought me back. As I looked up, I saw his silver Ford turning my way. The first things I noticed was his ear-to-ear smile that showed his dimples – the kind of smile I only saw about once a year now. In my mind’s eye I could picture him as an 8-year-old with his buddy Tyler, sitting at the kitchen counter eating Pop Tarts and giggling their heads off.
He stuck his arm out the window as he slowly drove away, waving back at me just like he did when he left home years ago in that U-Haul truck. He was off to follow his dreams and live a big life.
I climbed into the car with a huge knot in my throat that nothing would be able to untie. As the tears rolled down my cheeks, I thought about him and his dream, and wondered where the road would take him nex
Shelli Netko 2018 ©
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